Is It Awkward I Feel Like Julian of Norwich?

I had what I would call a "revelatory" moment today as I was deciding what classes to take next semester. I was writing down all of the courses that looked interesting to me and after I finished I realized that over half of the courses were, in some way, related to violence. This immediately prompted a memory of when I was in fifth grade and my mother was yelling at me for writing a terribly violent story for class after she had specifically forbid me from writing about violence.

This made me wonder what it was about violence that so intrigued me. I'm not particularly enamored with the idea really, and in games like Neverwinter Nights 2 I usually choose the diplomatic solution. Yet I am continuously drawn to read and write about violence.

Then I started thinking about the video game industry; how the media covers stories on how violent games are and how they increase violent tendencies in children who play them. I started thinking about how I was one of these children. I played video games, watched violent movies. I imagined how disturbing it must have been to have looked at the fifth-grade child who wrote this disgustingly violent story.

All of this led to me thinking about how violence is used in video games, how it's the only solution. Even in games where you can talk your way out of hostile situations (Fallout 1+2, Neverwinter Nights 1+2, etc...), there are always times where you are forced to fight with no alternative. When I realized this my mind hit some special place and, for a moment at least, I saw a different kind of violence. I saw a game in mind where fighting didn't always end with a specific winner, where losing didn't mean the end of the game, where people could even fight for fun like my roommate when he does Jujitsu with his friend. It's hard to describe, but I felt like all of my life, all of my interest in violence, that it's all leading to one big thing, one big story that's my purpose in life to tell.

It looks pretty pompous when I put it down in writing, but between this and something else, I think I might really be onto something big.

P.S. I'm pretty sure that story was about me fighting zombies on an airplane. Also, I spent that summer stuck in my room with only the books in my bookcase to keep me company and I don't think anything helped me grow as a person more than that summer.